"Ok, stop stop stop!" Kevin called out. He zipped up his navy jumpsuit.
The director sighed, "What now Peters?"
"This just isn't working for me. I mean, what's this scene trying to accomplish anyway? Where is my character going here?" Kevin ran his fingers through his hair. "I need to understand my motivation. What's my goddamn motivation?"
The lady in front of him rose to her feet. "This is friggin' ridiculous," she said. "Hey listen, if I don't do it for you fine, just tell me." She stormed off set.
"Just wait honey. Wait! Shit, will you wait a minute please?!" The director pleaded. He was getting desperate.
"I can't be on my knees all day," she called back. "I'm gonna grab a smoke." The deep metallic scraping sounds of a sliding glass door indicated that she had just gone outside.
The director stood up and took a long slow breath. I'm an accomplished director. I'm an accomplished director. I'm an accomplished director and this is just part of the job, he told himself. Ah, who are you kidding? You're a babysitter with an Arriflex D-20 and a couple of hot lights. He pivoted slowly to face his male star.
"What do we do Peters? What do we do now? You're killing my movie. You know that right?"
Kevin wiped some sweat from his forehead. The set lights were hot. He grabbed a bottle of Aquafina from the kitchen counter. "It's just, I don't know man, the script is too light you know? It's all positions and no direction." He waved his hands helplessly in the air.
The director bit his lip. "We've been over this before. You're the plumber ..."
"Yeah yeah, I know that. But listen, am I licensed?"
"Do I work for someone or do I own my own company?"
"Whatever you want."
"Ok, fine. Do I secretly want to go back to school and get a law degree?"
"For fuck's sake - we're shooting a porno here!" The director exploded. "This isn't Driving Miss Daisy! This isn't Bridges of Madison County! It's porn Peters. It's porn. That's it. We need you for that." He waved in the general direction of Kevin "Kielbasa" Peters' generous package.
"I know, I get that. I totally get that." Kevin paused, "I just really want to nail this scene."
"I just want you to nail the girl."
Kevin took a swig of water. "Just so you know, I do want my law degree. You know, someday."
The director put his hands over his face and took a long drawn out breath. "Awesome."
"And I think I'd be the type of person who'd take a deep discount on the bill you know, because of the way she's paying me for the services."
"What's wrong with her dishwasher anyway?"
"It doesn't wash dishes."
"Could it be under warranty?"
"Honestly Peters if you don't shut up this second I will cancel this whole thing. In fact there's probably a hard salami in the fridge. I'm willing to cut you out of this all together. She can fuck herself for all I care. The title will be 'One Less Plumber' instead of 'Servicing the Service Men'. I'm not kidding."
Kevin raised his hands in mock surrender. "Ok ok. I got it."
"Good." The director turned and called out, "Someone get Violet back in here please!"
Kevin put the water bottle back on the counter. It was good to finally have some creative direction. "How someone could move from 'doggy-style' to 'reverse cowgirl' and then finish with 'rusty bike pump' and a facial without first knowing if he's gonna get a law degree someday is beyond me," he muttered to no one in particular.